Our Parents Talk

Todd's Parents Speak

March/April 2004

 

Todd W.'s mother, Jan, sees herself, Todd and Todd's father as
"tugging” in different directions from the far corners of a triangle. She and Art have been divorced since Todd was 16. As Todd graduates from college, the three of them enter into another period of change, and they have issues, she says.

 

Indeed, when they speak of the journey, in separate interviews, it is apparent that each is in a different place. For Art, the addiction chapter seems over. For Todd the disease of addiction is always there but he “knows what to do.” For Jan, “the insidious disease of addiction is always a shrouded presence as we all struggle to become new people and create another life for ourselves.” Even long ago when they were focused on the same time and place, Todd's first treatment center, they each experienced a different reality.

 

Todd describes the first treatment center as a hell-hole where he didn't talk to anyone, least of all the therapists. He doesn't mention progress. His father says, Todd “got honest there, honest with himself, realizing he really had a problem. He made great strides there.” He agrees the treatment center was Draconian, which soon “got to” all three of them, and he's glad they took Todd out, but he says he learned a lot there. “It was mandatory for family to participate, and I was well schooled in recovery and how I could also recover.” The only positive thing Jan can say about the place is that by locking him up they kept him clean for five months. As for being well-schooled in the parents' program, she says, “No, they didn't give us therapy, they created a need for therapy. Verbal abuse is the only word that comes to mind. They beat you down to a pulp once a week.”

 

They all agreed it was time to get Todd out. Jan remembers Todd once saying something like “I needed that,” but she couldn't get him out soon enough.

 

His father also sees Willingway as the right next step.

 

Todd recalls Willingway fondly after the experience at Draconia but wonders why his parents sent him to a detox facility when he had been clean for five months. His mother gives the answer: They didn't know any other place to send him, and she knew he would soon relapse if he didn't go somewhere else quickly. Willingway was "refreshing” and even better, “The good, positive people at Willingway helped us find an appropriate program for Todd.” Parents and son spent a week together at Willingway, “a very positive experience,” Jan says, before the van took him to Serenity House.

 

Art recognizes Serenity House as being “a loving and empowering program.” Jan says that at Serenity House she felt secure that Todd would have the appropriate treatment. “Anne has so much insight into people, she can read people pretty well, and develop a program for the individual.” By all accounts, he went through the program smoothly and came out an adult.

 

The highlight of Todd's stay at Serenity House, the highlight of his whole recovery was graduation, Jan says: “What an accomplishment! Prior to that we felt lucky he was even alive. Graduation from Avner Bush Academy was a high point; where he thought enough of himself to finish high school.” Jan says. His completion of requirements for graduation in December didn't seem tangible, but she expects graduation from Oglethorpe University in May to be another emotional high.

 

His father notes “Another very positive step in recovery: He's willing to relocate to get the right job. Two years ago the idea of leaving the support system in Atlanta was unthinkable. He's become that strong.”

 

As evidence of Art's confidence, he recalls a recent conversation: “I called to congratulate him on five years of sobriety, as I have every year. And he appreciates that. But I told him I won't be calling him anymore on anniversaries because it's irrelevant now…That means ‘I trust you now.' That part of his life, as far as it is an issue with me, is over.”

 

For Jan, it's never over. “There are a lot of sharks out there,” and she's not feeling invulnerable herself. Although she has gotten support from Al-Anon in the past, she hasn't gone recently. “I need a refresher course…I accept that big changes are going to happen. There really is no time when you can let down your guard. I can't go back to my old behaviors that allowed him to be manipulative. Just recently I caught myself being an enabler once again, not in using drugs but other kinds of behaviors I tend to accept from him.”

 

“After hearing all the horror stories from other parents,” Art says, “I realized we had some tough times and we had lessons to learn, all of us, but we were pretty blessed. Todd was distant but never belligerent and hostile. He's a great kid and I feel totally blessed to have him…in my life.”

 

Todd's success validates the fact “that the effort of the individual, when guided and supported by Serenity House programs, can produce positive results,” Jan says. “Perhaps the turning point for Todd occurred soon after he came to Serenity House when he had to get a job. His experience and qualifications put him behind the counter of a fast food restaurant, definitely not the kind of gainful employment he had envisioned for his future. Finishing college became very important to him after that job. His graduation from Oglethorpe University is the result of HIS positive choices and goals.” A new chapter has opened in Todd's success story, and his parents are eagerly waiting to see what exciting new opportunities lie ahead for Todd.